If I may be honest…
What Dr. Caroline speaks about in this post is so true.
So you have some context as to what I’m about to share, here is what she wrote with this graphic.
Before making assumptions about someone else’s behavior, thoughts, or actions, keep in mind there is a lot you don’t know or that they may not be sharing. Assumptions are one of the main causes of anxiety, and can really ruin relationships! If we believe the assumptions, we build those thoughts into our brain which then influence how we perceive the situation and person. If you have noticed someone withdrawing from you:
1) give them the space they need
2) remind them that you are here whenever they need to talk and that they are loved
3) ask them questions to get more clarification but only when they are ready to talk so you don’t overwhelm them or pressure them to talk on your timeline
4) be self-compassionate and don’t cause yourself more anxiety about worrying for too long about what you may have said or done. There is a difference between deep thinking and toxic rumination
One of the reasons I always assess if I’m assuming is because (wrong) assumptions have been made about me so many times and I don’t want to do that to someone else.
It comes from a place of fear – insecurity to be exact – people-pleasing is a description that some would relate to.
Some assume that if someone doesn’t answer a text or message right away they are being ignored. I’d like to say that with me, that’s not the case. I have learned boundaries and priorities. They are not to keep people out, but to protect my home (peace, joy, love).
I’ve heard it said “no one is without their phone.” This is what leads to the assumption “I’m being ignored.” But while you may not be without your phone, ever, what makes you think I’m the same way? This past weekend while I was at a retreat, I can’t even count how many times I asked “where’s my phone.” And it was always in some other room where I wasn’t. That’s common even when I’m at home.
I do, however, carry my phone around a lot because it’s not just a phone. It’s a tool for business, it’s a Bible, and a research tool. But, I’ve learned how unhealthy (to your brain) it is to multi-task. So, again, it’s a new boundary I put up.
So, if I’m on my phone working or I’m on a phone call (which are both common) and a text/message comes through, I’m not going to read the message unless it’s from my husband or daughters. And even if I do read it, I’m not responding until I’m done doing whatever I’m doing. Why? It’s not fair to you or whatever I’m working on. Someone/thing is going to get only a portion of me because the brain will have to sacrifice in one area to work on another at the same time. Our hearts (spiritual one) is the same thing. Hopefully that makes sense.
Assumptions are silent killers. They kill relationships. It breeds anxiety and disdain. It’s stress that isn’t founded on truth. Fear is the source of assumptions.
It’s time to start questioning assumptions. Ultimately assumption judges the heart. I’ve learned this is a big no-no. This should be left to God.
The antidote. LOVE. May our thoughts be founded on love. Perfect Love casts out fear. Assumptions can’t stand where there is love because it’s filled with compassion. Anxiety finds no home in a life that lives in love.